Tag Archives: religion

Do I need a Title Every Time ??

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1.10.2014 I tried so hard to find an iota of time to post yesterday and I just could not find one. I have been so busy with work and then I have picked up a few freelance jobs on the side…so, needless to say I have no time for myself left over at the end of the days. But I have still been sticking to my ‘photo what I eat’ project. Although yesterday I feel like I ate breakfast ALL day. And I did. I had breakfast 3 times yesterday, mainly oatmeal…but still.

Isaac’s counselor came over yesterday and met with him and I for a little. He said he wants me to continue doing what I have been doing. Being clear and concise with Isaac and basically giving him no room to argue. I have been doing so great with that, I have impressed myself. So I will continue that.

1.11.2014

As far as my food today I disappointed myself real bad. Luis took me to Golden Coral and I ate like I was eating my last meal! I was so full by the time I left I was miserable. And the bad thing was that was all I ate all day. I did not make anything dinner, nothing. We came home and watched movies all afternoon. Then just now I decided to have a bowl of ice cream before I hit the bed. I was happy that I visited a Zumba class today though with some friends from work. That was fun and I am going back on Thursday night with Luis’ aunt. I really hope she likes it. I know I did.

We took Isaac and a few of his friends to the skating rink tonight so that they could have some fun and be away from parents for a while. I figured once in a while is okay, and he is getting older so he needs that responsibility. He enjoyed it and they are talking about wanting to go again, so I told Isaac it all depends on behavior. Good way to end that conversation. Good behavior reaps good privileges.

Well, need to go to bed…I am wanting to go to the morning service at church tomorrow, so I better get some sleep ūüôā

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Suggestions Anyone?

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1.7.2014

This will not be a hugely long post because I have a feeling I am catching a bit of a cold. I am praying it is nothing, but anymore you can never be too cautious. I found out today my boss actually has strep and the flu at the same time! So many of my co-workers are sick I feel like I need to be making hazard pay working in the office with them. Actually while I am typing this I am nursing a cup of hot green tea with honey and lemon. I took a bit of a cold pill earlier and an extra Vitamin C pill already. I am trying my best! My best better be good enough. There have been 2 cases of death in Garland due to the flu. It is scary. But, I refuse to live in fear over it. Life goes on.

As far as my food today, it was real boring. I had virtually the same thing for breakfast that I had for dinner, plus 2 pieces of toast I added a dinner time. But it was a piece of turkey ham diced up and fried with scrambled eggs. Lunch was a PB&J, cheese popcorn, and 4 cookies from Girl Scouts. But when I got home I made a chicken pot pie in the microwave. But, drum roll please…STILL NO SODA! Seven days clean. No soda at all.

So after going to church on Sunday, I left with questions. I have to admit the service really got me thinking. It just solidifies all the more as to why I switched churches. My church is going to be doing allot for the orphans and foster children. Anyone who knows me knows I was in foster care and I have a heart to help fosters. My experience was awful, Hell if you please, and anything I can do to stop that from happening to another human being, I will do. I will now have the opportunity to sit down and listen to how I can help! This is major, because I have always had door closed when I asked to help. This may be a huge chance for me to give back in an arena I am familiar with. We shall see. Also, my pastor spoke of public fasting as a church. I have always had questions about fasting, it has first of all always been such a personal time for me and God. I never want to share that. So I have reached out to some of the ladies in the church for some clarification on this. Maybe I am reading to deeply into it. I just want to go on record and say, I love my new church and church family.

So, while I sit here and this medicine begins to kick my rear end, I have to say Good Night. I am about to pass out at this laptop…Until next time…

My hope is that so many people will start to read my blog that they will start to suggest food for me to try. I love experimenting with new recipes and such. Just remember; no beef or pork and I am diabetic, so not super sweet. But, I can pretty much take any recipe and make it a healthier for me version ūüôā

 

Do You Really Exist?

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The title can be addressed to anyone, or anything for that matter. Last night I took Isaac over to my mom’s house so I could sort of have a ‘come to Jesus’ party, with me being the only invited participant. I needed to get my life in perspective, which you might think would be a difficult thing to do. But, not so much when your life does not involve a lot in the first place. Having the private time to myself I found out some very¬†disturbing¬†things about myself. I have not changed so much, not as much as I had originally thought. I am a fool to think I have changed so drastically just because I am a Christian.¬†And¬†furthermore, I hate to say it, but I say that¬†loosely. I daydream about being in a relationship, I¬†overindulged, I cuss from time to time, and last night I realized that there are so many things I am doing that do not glorify God I am surprised He is still being so patient with me. I would not hold Him accountable if I were one of those people sucked into a sink hole with no notice at all. ¬†Watch the news if you do not understand that comparison.

Here is what I have to say; like me or love me. But here goes.

I want to wake up and you be the first thought on my mind, I want to go to bed and you are the last. I want to feel safe in your arms knowing that they will never hurt me. I never want tears to fall when you leave, because I know without a shadow of a doubt, you will be thinking about me while you are away. Or better yet, when you realize I am upset, you do not leave me. You simply hug me, kiss my forehead and stay. And truly, you are never gone from me. I want to be able to close my eyes and feel your lips on my cheek. If you get called away for some reason I want to know without a doubt that you love me, because your love never fades. Love me unconditionally. If it is storming I want to call your name at two in the morning and you come to me to make me feel safe. I want my son to look up to as not just a role model, but a leader. A father, his father. A lover, my lover. A provider, our provider. A husband, my husband. I want to be happy. I want to have a smile on my face whenever your image comes into my mind. A smile that only you and I know what it means, because no one else matters. I want to feel secure. If a dilemma comes up, wait; when a dilemma comes up, I want you to take control. Because that is what you promised me. You made that promise and I am taking you up on it. You may have made it to¬†others¬†as well, but I am taking you up on it. People tell me not to challenge you, but if I don’t then how do I know you exist? If I do not ask you prove yourself to me then how can you ask me to do anything for you? I think it is only fair in the long run. Sort of like tit for tat. I know you have a sense of humor, otherwise there would be so many things that would never make sense in this world. I need to laugh, you make me laugh. I need to smile, you make me smile. Even though I hate to cry, you make me cry. But the tears you make me cry, make me stronger. I can cry just fine in private. And once I do, I do feel a million times better. But the emptiness is still there.

I need the emptiness to go away. Will I ever be okay with where I am now, or am I short-changing myself, on purpose. I want to be happy, and as soon as I thought I was…it is gone. What can I do now? Suffer through it and hope and pray things change? What if they never do. Do I slap on a smile, every morning for the rest of my life? I am not sure if I can do that.

So distressed right now.

Sore, Sore, Sore…

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So, since I was not able to finish my challenge yesterday I just knew I would be able to do it today. No, way! I got 11 minutes into it and was in so much pain in my legs I thought I was not even going to be able to walk home. What the heck! I was walking 4-5 miles a day just a few months ago! I am so disappointed in how I have let myself go over the past few months it is ridiculous! Not only did I not stretch before going out, I have not done any type of¬†exercise¬†in months since my diabetes has gotten seriously out of hand. I need to get my body used to working again, not working out, just working. So, instead of just giving up, I continued to press on and got through 11 whole minutes. I remember when I would take Bo to the park and we would walk for hours at a time, not to long ago. Diabetes is kicking my rear end and it is time for me to start kicking back. I will try again tomorrow, but stretch first and even if I just do 12 or 13 minutes…it is more than today. And every day I will improve, even if just a little.

When I was reading my devotional this morning I was stuck on a verse for a minute. It is in 2 Thes 2:8 and reads ‘And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord will consume with the breath of His mouth and destroy with the brightness of His coming’. If you compare ‘And then the lawless one will be revealed’ to the KJV it reads ‘And then shall that Wicked be revealed’. I think of that word ‘wicked’ and what it means to God. God saw wickedness in the beginning of Genesis in Chapter 6. He sees wickedness daily. I just pray that I am living a life that makes Him proud. Not sinless by any means, but I want to at least make Him proud. After reading that verse this morning my prayer was to make Him proud today, I hope I did.

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A friend of mine had a baby today, Evangeline Marie. Super excited to meet her since she has been on my prayer list for some time now. I saw only pictures on Facebook, but I am sure she will bring her to church. She is adorable in the pictures. And thankfully mom and her are doing fine.

Something that I have been happy to do the past 2 days is eat dinner with Isaac, together. We actually sat next to each other and ate dinner, at the same time. I told him tonight I liked eating dinner with him. He shook his head and said, ‘yeah me too’. To me that is success. It is something different and something, we never really do. Maybe there is something to change there. Making it a habit to eat together is not a problem at all.

My job is going wonderfully, I really enjoy my work. I can see so many untapped resources that they never use, that they could. There is so many uses that Access could benefit, but I do not even want to open that can of works! There is an IT guy that is for, not me. I just can not believe that it has not been made alot more automated. But I am getting there at my own station. Today I started building the Excel sheets for the month, once those are done I will do the Access DB and have at least my position in the company automated. Even  if it only helps me, that is okay with me.

I still work online, and writing will never stop for me I believe. I have orders come in at times so much I have to turn down work. But that is alright. I have never completely lost a client, they usually wait the extra day or two needed fr me to start their projects. I am only working on one right now, which is a relief.

Well, good night and God Bless. I have to get some work done and hit the sack for work in the morning.

 

They just Keep coming

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I have come to the point in time of not asking people to explain the ‘why’ or ‘how’ in a situation. Because I have figured out it is clearly because of God’s Will for my life and happiness. Let me explain.

I love my church, church family and friends I have made there. It never fails that they have an answer to prayers, my prayers. For a few months now I have not had livingroom furniture because the old set was torn and dirty and just quite frankly ready for the trash. I told myself I was not going to buy furniture, rather I was going to use my livingroom for a prayer room and my quiet room to be with God. So for months, that is what I have been doing. Remember this, I will pick up here later.

Now, it is also that time of year where the Women begin buying their new ministry shirts. This is to help support the women’s ministry as well as wearing them on retreat in October. So, I had to buy my shirt too, which was $15. Remember this too, I will come back to it as well.

So…yesterday the women’s ministry had a yard sale to raise funds for the ministry and someone donated a beautiful couch to the sale! I immediately wanted it! I talked to the leader of the ministry and we worked out that I would make payments to the ministry until it was all paid off. ¬†Great! Now I have a couch.

So here I was this morning knowing I had to go to the ATM to get the $15 for the shirt and $50 for the first payment on the couch set. I walked into the church and go directly to her to pay for the shirt when she tells me someone already paid for my shirt! Well, excellent I thought, saved some money. Thank you God! Then I began walking into the sanctuary and I saw the woman who donated the couch and I went to go thank her when she tells me not to pay for it! That in fact her and her husband are making a donation to the women’s ministry to pay for the couch! I just thank her and walk away amazed.

So, sitting in the church I start thinking about Isaac who did not go to church because of a last-minute oral surgery he had Saturday. He is home and not feeling well at all. I knew I could take that money and go grocery shopping and buy him some food that he could chew, or not chew for that matter. Now, it all made sense as to why God had intervened, I needed to have the money to buy him foods he could eat and swollen.

Bottom line…my Father knows what I need and He supplies.

Started a New Book

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Thank Heavens for little places like Half Priced Books or Barnes and Noble…sometimes even the library. Because without them, I would probably never would read anything but my bible. And while that is not a bad thing, reading other items is just a bonus. So, while I was at HPB looking for a different book entirely, I found ‘The Devil in Pew Number Seven’ written by Rebecca Nichols Alonzo with Bob DeMoss.

First of all, I love reading true stories, life events, and recently the true life testimonies of how people grew closer to God. That very moment when they knew their lives would never again be the same. That very moment that they knew for every walking day for the rest of eternity Jesus would be holding their hand. I hope I found that in this very book. From the author’s note she tries to convince me immediately that it is a true story she is going to tell me. She actually repeats it several times as if I did not understand it the first time. But what got me and made me want to spend the $7.49 on this paper back book, was the last sentence on the author’s note.

‘After all, forgiveness is the language of love in Heaven.’

When I read that I felt like I had a duty to read this, this amount of forgiveness must be enormous to write a book about it.¬†Forgiveness¬†is a hard subject for me to approach in my walk with God and through my prayers. Simply because it seems as though every adult leading up to my 35th birthday has walked out on me in one sense or another. So, as much as I try to say I forgive them, I forgive my mother, my father, my sisters, my brothers…I think I just ignore more than I forgive.

I find myself asking God how to forgive them. How do you forgive a mother that gave up on you when you were a child, as much as I know it was not his fault how could I blame my dad for dieing before I got to really know him! How selfish of me, right? I try daily to forgive them for what they have done. But I realized I needed to learn how to love Kristina, and forgive Kristina, for hating Kristina for so many years first. I have just recently begun to love me, for me. All my defects in tow, I love me now. Now I can focus on forgiving the adults from my past.

This book, may or may not help me with that. Only time and prayer will tell, but I know out of the thousands of books there, God led me to this one. So this is the one I will read.

Good night and God Bless your dreams…

Funny How Things Work Out

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I am an addict. No, not to drugs or alcohol, but to the Internet and to FaceBook. I will admit it. I remember a sermon that Pastor Adam preached to Vertigo about addictions and how they can release themselves from their own addictions by asking God for help in those areas, by having their peers pray for them and just laying it at the feet of Jesus so He can handle them. He asked by a show of hands who was addicted to text messaging and a few hands went up. Who was addicted to the Internet and a few more. And then when he asked who was addicted to FaceBook; they pretty much all went up!

I used to tell myself that I was not addicted to it because I work on the Internet, so I must need it in a sense. Wrong. I have been praying to God for guidance in my life so much lately and so many things are being made clear to me. Of course, the Internet is a link to making money for me, but no one needs to work 24/7 which is what I was doing to myself. Through the course of this income¬†tragedy¬†I am going through my Internet at home has been disconnected. Now, I go to the library for the web. When in fact they shut if off I was in the middle of working on a job I just got hired for. I was frantic trying to figure out how I was going to finish it, then I thought a second and stopped. I began to pray. ‘God if you want me to work for this person, you will make it possible. You will make a way for me to have Internet.’ How selfish I was to do this. If He wanted me working, then it would not have been shut off in the first place, right?! Oh, how messed up I was.

I shut my computer down and thought about something else that someone said to me that made sense, now, but not then. ‘Anything that takes the Glory away from God will sooner or later be removed from your life the stronger you begin living a Christian lifestyle’. I will admit, I was on the web 24/7. I would wake up at 3am to check email! I know, sad right?! The more I was online, the less I prayed. The less time I spent with my Father. Once I realized what I had been doing, I began to repent and beg for His forgiveness. I have been such a¬†hypocrite! Telling my STAR girls to focus on God and less on FB and texting. And here I am doing exactly what I tell them to watch out for.¬†I am not saying that you should not have the Internet, heck as soon as I pay the bill mine will be back on! But I will have boundaries and self-control over it this time. Just like any other addiction, it has to be controlled and contained.

During my prayer time with God I asked Him why He did not make arrangements to get it paid somehow. I had been praying for financial help for months because I know I am close to my end of the rope on all my utilities. Things are going to start getting shut off. I was so offended and a bit angry when God told me to ‘stop lieing to everyone’! This made me see red to say the least. I do not lie to everyone. But when He put it in layman’s terms for me; I do. When people ask me how things are going, I say fine. When they are not. He told me He has placed several people in my path to help me, but I lie to them and tell them things are fine when they are absolutely not. So, rather than going back to every single person that asked me, I made a page where people can help me if they want to.¬†If someone sees fit to help me and Isaac with a bill, they can donate the money there and it goes directly to my account to pay something off. I have a very hard time asking people for help; monetary or otherwise. So, I like that people can do it¬†anonymously¬†if they want to. Since I have done that, 3 people have helped us with a total of $170.00 which will pay half of my electric bill that is due to be shut off on June 5th. So, to those 3 people I say thank you for giving me the gift of lights ūüôā

Funny how things work, when you are honest with not only yourself, but God and the people around you. I will get the hang of it sooner or later.

Thanks for reading and God Bless.