Tag Archives: relationships

Do I need a Title Every Time ??

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1.10.2014 I tried so hard to find an iota of time to post yesterday and I just could not find one. I have been so busy with work and then I have picked up a few freelance jobs on the side…so, needless to say I have no time for myself left over at the end of the days. But I have still been sticking to my ‘photo what I eat’ project. Although yesterday I feel like I ate breakfast ALL day. And I did. I had breakfast 3 times yesterday, mainly oatmeal…but still.

Isaac’s counselor came over yesterday and met with him and I for a little. He said he wants me to continue doing what I have been doing. Being clear and concise with Isaac and basically giving him no room to argue. I have been doing so great with that, I have impressed myself. So I will continue that.

1.11.2014

As far as my food today I disappointed myself real bad. Luis took me to Golden Coral and I ate like I was eating my last meal! I was so full by the time I left I was miserable. And the bad thing was that was all I ate all day. I did not make anything dinner, nothing. We came home and watched movies all afternoon. Then just now I decided to have a bowl of ice cream before I hit the bed. I was happy that I visited a Zumba class today though with some friends from work. That was fun and I am going back on Thursday night with Luis’ aunt. I really hope she likes it. I know I did.

We took Isaac and a few of his friends to the skating rink tonight so that they could have some fun and be away from parents for a while. I figured once in a while is okay, and he is getting older so he needs that responsibility. He enjoyed it and they are talking about wanting to go again, so I told Isaac it all depends on behavior. Good way to end that conversation. Good behavior reaps good privileges.

Well, need to go to bed…I am wanting to go to the morning service at church tomorrow, so I better get some sleep ūüôā

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Do You Really Exist?

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The title can be addressed to anyone, or anything for that matter. Last night I took Isaac over to my mom’s house so I could sort of have a ‘come to Jesus’ party, with me being the only invited participant. I needed to get my life in perspective, which you might think would be a difficult thing to do. But, not so much when your life does not involve a lot in the first place. Having the private time to myself I found out some very¬†disturbing¬†things about myself. I have not changed so much, not as much as I had originally thought. I am a fool to think I have changed so drastically just because I am a Christian.¬†And¬†furthermore, I hate to say it, but I say that¬†loosely. I daydream about being in a relationship, I¬†overindulged, I cuss from time to time, and last night I realized that there are so many things I am doing that do not glorify God I am surprised He is still being so patient with me. I would not hold Him accountable if I were one of those people sucked into a sink hole with no notice at all. ¬†Watch the news if you do not understand that comparison.

Here is what I have to say; like me or love me. But here goes.

I want to wake up and you be the first thought on my mind, I want to go to bed and you are the last. I want to feel safe in your arms knowing that they will never hurt me. I never want tears to fall when you leave, because I know without a shadow of a doubt, you will be thinking about me while you are away. Or better yet, when you realize I am upset, you do not leave me. You simply hug me, kiss my forehead and stay. And truly, you are never gone from me. I want to be able to close my eyes and feel your lips on my cheek. If you get called away for some reason I want to know without a doubt that you love me, because your love never fades. Love me unconditionally. If it is storming I want to call your name at two in the morning and you come to me to make me feel safe. I want my son to look up to as not just a role model, but a leader. A father, his father. A lover, my lover. A provider, our provider. A husband, my husband. I want to be happy. I want to have a smile on my face whenever your image comes into my mind. A smile that only you and I know what it means, because no one else matters. I want to feel secure. If a dilemma comes up, wait; when a dilemma comes up, I want you to take control. Because that is what you promised me. You made that promise and I am taking you up on it. You may have made it to¬†others¬†as well, but I am taking you up on it. People tell me not to challenge you, but if I don’t then how do I know you exist? If I do not ask you prove yourself to me then how can you ask me to do anything for you? I think it is only fair in the long run. Sort of like tit for tat. I know you have a sense of humor, otherwise there would be so many things that would never make sense in this world. I need to laugh, you make me laugh. I need to smile, you make me smile. Even though I hate to cry, you make me cry. But the tears you make me cry, make me stronger. I can cry just fine in private. And once I do, I do feel a million times better. But the emptiness is still there.

I need the emptiness to go away. Will I ever be okay with where I am now, or am I short-changing myself, on purpose. I want to be happy, and as soon as I thought I was…it is gone. What can I do now? Suffer through it and hope and pray things change? What if they never do. Do I slap on a smile, every morning for the rest of my life? I am not sure if I can do that.

So distressed right now.