My Facade…

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I am a 36 year old single mom of a teenage son. That is the label I have in life. Somewhere along the line I lost my name and became ‘Isaac’s Mom’. Which is a position in life that I love, but it often makes me think, where did I get lost in the transition? When did I lose me? When did I stop striving to be the nice, comforting, rescuer of my friends that I want to be so badly? There are several things I need to reevaluate in my own life, questions I need to get answered. I have been lost for so long, and I have noticed a severe case of depression overcoming me lately, and that scares me. Scares me so bad, sometimes I am afraid to even be around other people. Because I do not want other people to know what is going on in my head.

I try to put on this facade that everything is okay, but on the inside I feel like everything is so hopeless and I have no other option but to give up. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and just sleep my days and nights away. I have tried to dive into the bible, dive into God’s Word for His help. But, I still feel this emptiness that takes me over. There are people who tell me that there is nothing in my life that Jesus has not experienced and been hurt through. I just find that so hard to understand, Because of some of the things that have happened lately, I do not know of anything in the bible that covers the pain I am feeling. I know He experienced a broken heart, pain, torture, and all of this while He was being crucified for me. That is what makes it even worse for me to feel the way that I do. Because I feel like I have no right to feel depressed, Jesus died for Me! Seriously. How dare I feel sad!

I want nothing more than to be happy. But it seems like it is so far away and not sure if it will ever happen. I have never really been in love before. I have never been on a date, I have never felt the butterflies in my stomach when a man I love surprises me. I have never heard the words I Love You from a man who I actually knew that they were sincere. I am so lonely, it physically hurts my body and heart. But for now, I wait until God brings me the man that will lead me.

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