Do You Really Exist?


The title can be addressed to anyone, or anything for that matter. Last night I took Isaac over to my mom’s house so I could sort of have a ‘come to Jesus’ party, with me being the only invited participant. I needed to get my life in perspective, which you might think would be a difficult thing to do. But, not so much when your life does not involve a lot in the first place. Having the private time to myself I found out some very disturbing things about myself. I have not changed so much, not as much as I had originally thought. I am a fool to think I have changed so drastically just because I am a Christian. And furthermore, I hate to say it, but I say that loosely. I daydream about being in a relationship, I overindulged, I cuss from time to time, and last night I realized that there are so many things I am doing that do not glorify God I am surprised He is still being so patient with me. I would not hold Him accountable if I were one of those people sucked into a sink hole with no notice at all.  Watch the news if you do not understand that comparison.

Here is what I have to say; like me or love me. But here goes.

I want to wake up and you be the first thought on my mind, I want to go to bed and you are the last. I want to feel safe in your arms knowing that they will never hurt me. I never want tears to fall when you leave, because I know without a shadow of a doubt, you will be thinking about me while you are away. Or better yet, when you realize I am upset, you do not leave me. You simply hug me, kiss my forehead and stay. And truly, you are never gone from me. I want to be able to close my eyes and feel your lips on my cheek. If you get called away for some reason I want to know without a doubt that you love me, because your love never fades. Love me unconditionally. If it is storming I want to call your name at two in the morning and you come to me to make me feel safe. I want my son to look up to as not just a role model, but a leader. A father, his father. A lover, my lover. A provider, our provider. A husband, my husband. I want to be happy. I want to have a smile on my face whenever your image comes into my mind. A smile that only you and I know what it means, because no one else matters. I want to feel secure. If a dilemma comes up, wait; when a dilemma comes up, I want you to take control. Because that is what you promised me. You made that promise and I am taking you up on it. You may have made it to others as well, but I am taking you up on it. People tell me not to challenge you, but if I don’t then how do I know you exist? If I do not ask you prove yourself to me then how can you ask me to do anything for you? I think it is only fair in the long run. Sort of like tit for tat. I know you have a sense of humor, otherwise there would be so many things that would never make sense in this world. I need to laugh, you make me laugh. I need to smile, you make me smile. Even though I hate to cry, you make me cry. But the tears you make me cry, make me stronger. I can cry just fine in private. And once I do, I do feel a million times better. But the emptiness is still there.

I need the emptiness to go away. Will I ever be okay with where I am now, or am I short-changing myself, on purpose. I want to be happy, and as soon as I thought I was…it is gone. What can I do now? Suffer through it and hope and pray things change? What if they never do. Do I slap on a smile, every morning for the rest of my life? I am not sure if I can do that.

So distressed right now.


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