I am so angry right now and it is so stupid. I am tired of going through this ongoing battle with Isaac over rules, guidelines, respect, and obedience. Over the stupidest things he will lie to me, right to my face. He will sneak food and drinks behind my back, again over the dumbest things! I hate that he acts one way in front of people and a totally and complete different person to me. To the one person that is there for him, he treats like garbage. I am so beat down by my 13 year old son, I want to run away from home, never to return again! Seriously.
Tonight, I kicked Isaac out. In the dark, with a pair of pajama bottoms, t-shirt and tennis shoes that I threw out on the porch for him to put on. I told him to figure out where he was going to lay his head, because it was not going to be in this house until he could show me some respect. He has no idea of reality, or how serious his actions are to people. He blatantly lies to my face. But has everyone else fooled that he is a ‘golden boy’. They are fooled, each one of them.
It is over the stupid little things that he will lie about, tonight it was juice. Juice! Are you kidding me! I keep trying to take into account that he is bi-polar, ADHD and has a severe case of Pica; but Good Lord, how much more is going to be laid in my lap before my lap just breaks! I took his skateboards away, Wii, DS, Rip Stick, and told him he has plenty of shoes there is no reason to buy him another pair of shoes for school. He does not get it. He still lied to my face. So, I put him out. In the dark, I made my son leave my house. What kind of mom does that? I made him sit out there for a long while before I went to the door and asked him if he wanted back in. When he said yes, I told him to think long and hard about his actions. Because there will not be a next time. I am so fed up with this crap from him.
He has people so snowed that he is perfect, but when we are home, alone; he is so cruel and so disrespectful to me. As a mom, I feel like a failure. Because I try and teach by scripture and he could care less. We tried to even do bible study here in the evening and he would purposely start fights with me, so he would get sent to his room or sent to bed; so he would not have to do the bible studies. They lasted all of a week maybe. He hates when I read scripture to him,or even make references to the bible. What am I doing wrong!
Before I walked into a church I smoked 2 packs a day, cussed like a sailor and was as raunchy as ever; but it seemed like even the distant relationship we had then was better than the one we have now. I was so depressed then and in such a funk all the time, I can feel it coming back. I try and go into prayer, but then feel angry at myself for praying to be a better parent when I have no idea what a good parent is! This is the time I hate my mother for leaving me and I hate my father for dieing when I was so young. Seriously, to hate your dead father, you really have to be screwed up. I realize that.
I can not help but think of the many times I tried to take my own life when I was seriously depressed, what would happen to him if it worked? Who would take care of him? Would he be better off with someone else? Maybe I am not cut out for it. Being a parent that is. I look back on those BC days and realize I am glad none of them took, but I sure wish I had a little bit of an easier life. Just a little. Just a kid that appreciated his mother, and not one that kicked her while she is already down.
So, there you have it. I am not perfect. I am a pretty screwed up parent. But, in my defense I am winging it here. I have no idea what I am doing. If I can get him to an adult age in one piece and alive, I consider it a success. I pray for his soul, for his salvation every single day. His anger and hatred towards me is ridiculous. I do not know where to turn, so I turn to my writing; of course.
Good night…I am exhausted. I am praying God will allow me to wake up in a much better day tomorrow. He just has to. Or else I do not know what I will do.