Not Sure…


where this blog is going to go, but I need a sounding board right now and I find myself tapping at the keys of this laptop like it will really make a difference how hard I hit them. My stress level is at its breaking point and I need to vent. There is nothing wrong with that, God says He wants my stress and insecurities, so He can have them! Because all I have found myself doing all evening is praying and crying. And quite frankly I am done with it. I can say I am done with it, but in actuality I am not done with anything. I am in the middle of this never-ending circle of drama with this stupid diabetes! I could blame God for giving it to me. Seriously?! Not in this day and age I won’t.    I know He will never give me more than I can handle, but really I don’t want anymore.

When I heard that diabetes is a physical disease for me but a mental disease for everyone involved with me, I never understood it until recently. Because I have the medical aspects and the feelings that go along with it, but my friends can only ‘try to see’ what it is doing they can not feel it. So when I say I do not feel well, in their mind I just do not feel well. But in my mind my stomach is churning, I am sweating, I am flushed, feeling like I want to vomit, and so weak I want to just lay down and sleep. But I am afraid to sleep because if it is to high, it might just be the last time. I can not explain to anyone how it feels. I can actually feel my heart pounding so hard in my chest it scares me sometimes.

So when I saw my sugar starting to skyrocket I got scared. And now I am sitting here wondering what the heck I am supposed to do now. I found out that my sugar is so high because I am taking Tylenol or Advil for the pain I am having from working at Petco. I love working there and love training the animals, but going up and down the ladders and bending and reaching into the tanks, it is killing me. I have to take pain medicine every night to sleep through the pain. Well, the medicine is making my sugar spike. And since it has been so high for so long, they want to retest my pancreas to verify whether or not it is shutting down again. If I have to go through this treatment for my pancreas again, I just do not know what I will do. It is pitiful!

I guess I just do not have anything else to really say, I just had to get this off my chest. I am not good at holding things in, so much better at writing them out.

Good night, I am going to go read. I am reading The Christian Atheist and I am hooked to it! Such a good book. I recommend it.



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