I figure I might as well let it out tonight, because if I keep it in one more minute I might just explode. I am trying so hard to be the best Christian I can be. All I know now in my life I have learned from the church, congregation, and His Word. I have wiped out the last little remnants of who and what I was pre-Christ. Thankfully. I am very thankful for it. But I guess I thought I would be treated better, but I am not. I am still being brushed off, by the people I love the most. And I guess that is why it hurts so much.
I have this blog so that I can vent, so that I have a sounding board. So that is what I have always used it for and what I will continue to use it for.
I have made some drastic changes in our lives and I am having to pay for it every day. I am living with the fact that I can no longer pay my bills because I have no job. I am only writing online and that does not cover everything. I have been learning how to trust in God, and I am. I know I left CITI for the right reasons, what I was having to deal with was unacceptable for anyone. And regardless of what people think of my decision, I know what was going on there. I know what it was like. And I thank God that He gave me enough strength to leave. Because without Him, I would still be there in that situation.
Isaac got his cast off and is doing great now, he is having a bit of pain but hopefully that will go away as he gets strength back in his arm. It is so weak still for him.
I feel more and more alone this week for some reason. It was Spring break and I just feel alone even though I have been so busy. I have redone the entire kitchen and I was surprised when not one person offered to come help me, or even come keep me company. Five days in there working and posting pictures on FaceBook and nothing, not one offer. Made me feel like nothing really. Been a long time since I have felt like that. It made me stop and think about myself for a minute. Double think that maybe I am not with my grade of people. Maybe I live to low for them. I do not have as much as they do. Like I do not deserve their friendship, because I can not afford it.
It really hit me when I asked about a friend of mine and their birthday. Come to find out, they already celebrated it. But without me. Even though they say I am like family to them, I guess not enough to celebrate a birthday with them. It hurts to not have a family to celebrate stuff like that with. They are my biblical family, but is that as strong as a biological family? I am not sure anymore.
I am sitting here in the middle of the night feeling so lonely and I am so tired of it. So sick and tired of it. I want to scream in her face for leaving me! I want to hate her but God will not allow me! I want to make her suffer like I did for so many years, but then God snaps me back into attention! Does she even know how I feel or how I was treated in all of those homes? Does she care? I see pictures of her on FaceBook and she is with my other 2 sisters and they are smiling. How can she smile knowing she threw me to the wolves?! She was the reason I was thrown from abusive home to more abusive home. She was the reason I sat on the floor in that nasty mobile home and popped one pill after another. Hoping I would just fall asleep and never wake up. I was so stupid, all I was taking were aspirin not even real drugs that could really hurt me! That is how stupid I was. But when I think about it now, it just shows how hurt I was. Does someone ever really get over something like that? Does someone ever heal from being thrown away?
I try to put on a good cover, but it is the smallest things like not being invited to a birthday party or being left to do a remodel by yourself that really lets you know that you are indeed still alone.
I have pity partied myself to no end tonight…I need some sleep. I want to go to church tomorrow, I really want to. So I need to get some sleep.
Good Night and God Bless.