I am feeling so indifferent right now. I guess I should not be, but I can not help it I suppose. I met a man named Jimmy on a Christian Dating website about 3 weeks ago. He said he had recently been saved and God was realigning his life. I thought this was great because I have only been saved for about a year and a half. We started talking and although he had a checkered past I chose to overlook it, my past is checkered as well. But I am under the understanding that in the blood of Jesus my past is cleared. I am doubting now that he feels the same way.
I invited him to go to church with me last week, went to pick him up and thought we had a good time. Still talking through the week, he went to church with me again this Sunday. But this week he was different in service; yawning, complaining about having to stand during the singing and such. I tried to overlook it, but in the back of my mind I thought he was being quite rude. When service was out, I took him back to the train station instead of driving him back to Dallas. On my way home, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Now I know why.
I have been praying for a Christian husband, a Christian father for Isaac. Someone that knows their place in the Lord’s hand. Someone that loves the bible and lives by it. I am not perfect, but I am looking for a man who lives by the Word. A sort of Proverbs man so to speak. This is not Jimmy. He wants things to move so fast and I am not willing to do this. I am not willing to move fast. I will not lie down with someone, I will not kiss on the lips and it is rare for me to even hold hands at first. But only after 2 weeks of seeing each other is entirely to fast to want or ask someone to do that. He said he wants to be loved, needs to be wanted and such. I look at that as being so needy and unsure of his place in the world.
I know my place in the world, and I know God has a plan for me and Isaac. I do not believe it is involving Jimmy though. He had a sort of text war with me today and told me I need to show him respect. At this I was furious and told him I was fed up. I did not answer him anymore. Once I stopped texting him he sends me texts saying he is sorry, and feels alone and all this guilt stuff. I still have not responded and do not believe I will. In any relationship, I will be appreciated and loved; not made to feel bad or sent on an emotional roller coaster.
So, I am now looking back and realizing, God saved me again from a broken heart. He knows Jimmy is not the person he chose for me. He was patient with me until I realized it on my own.