Funny How Things Work Out

I am an addict. No, not to drugs or alcohol, but to the Internet and to FaceBook. I will admit it. I remember a sermon that Pastor Adam preached to Vertigo about addictions and how they can release themselves from their own addictions by asking God for help in those areas, by having their peers pray for them and just laying it at the feet of Jesus so He can handle them. He asked by a show of hands who was addicted to text messaging and a few hands went up. Who was addicted to the Internet and a few more. And then when he asked who was addicted to FaceBook; they pretty much all went up!

I used to tell myself that I was not addicted to it because I work on the Internet, so I must need it in a sense. Wrong. I have been praying to God for guidance in my life so much lately and so many things are being made clear to me. Of course, the Internet is a link to making money for me, but no one needs to work 24/7 which is what I was doing to myself. Through the course of this income tragedy I am going through my Internet at home has been disconnected. Now, I go to the library for the web. When in fact they shut if off I was in the middle of working on a job I just got hired for. I was frantic trying to figure out how I was going to finish it, then I thought a second and stopped. I began to pray. ‘God if you want me to work for this person, you will make it possible. You will make a way for me to have Internet.’ How selfish I was to do this. If He wanted me working, then it would not have been shut off in the first place, right?! Oh, how messed up I was.

I shut my computer down and thought about something else that someone said to me that made sense, now, but not then. ‘Anything that takes the Glory away from God will sooner or later be removed from your life the stronger you begin living a Christian lifestyle’. I will admit, I was on the web 24/7. I would wake up at 3am to check email! I know, sad right?! The more I was online, the less I prayed. The less time I spent with my Father. Once I realized what I had been doing, I began to repent and beg for His forgiveness. I have been such a hypocrite! Telling my STAR girls to focus on God and less on FB and texting. And here I am doing exactly what I tell them to watch out for. I am not saying that you should not have the Internet, heck as soon as I pay the bill mine will be back on! But I will have boundaries and self-control over it this time. Just like any other addiction, it has to be controlled and contained.

During my prayer time with God I asked Him why He did not make arrangements to get it paid somehow. I had been praying for financial help for months because I know I am close to my end of the rope on all my utilities. Things are going to start getting shut off. I was so offended and a bit angry when God told me to ‘stop lieing to everyone’! This made me see red to say the least. I do not lie to everyone. But when He put it in layman’s terms for me; I do. When people ask me how things are going, I say fine. When they are not. He told me He has placed several people in my path to help me, but I lie to them and tell them things are fine when they are absolutely not. So, rather than going back to every single person that asked me, I made a page where people can help me if they want to. If someone sees fit to help me and Isaac with a bill, they can donate the money there and it goes directly to my account to pay something off. I have a very hard time asking people for help; monetary or otherwise. So, I like that people can do it anonymously if they want to. Since I have done that, 3 people have helped us with a total of $170.00 which will pay half of my electric bill that is due to be shut off on June 5th. So, to those 3 people I say thank you for giving me the gift of lights

Funny how things work, when you are honest with not only yourself, but God and the people around you. I will get the hang of it sooner or later.

Thanks for reading and God Bless.

How Do Christians Do This???

So, I am reading a book called The Christian Atheist and it has really made my walk with Jesus a total and complete upheaval! I am now second guessing everything I do, and how I do it. The biggest problem I am encountering right now is money. I do not have enough of it. And according to this book I am not supposed to worry about it. But I do not know how I am not supposed to worry about it when I have disconnect notices for the lights, gas, and now a late notice on the car. I am paying what I can, the bare minimum to keep things on. But I am getting over whelmed and well; my savings is gone. I was hoping to have the car paid off by now, but no such luck. So, how do I not worry about that? When I walk in the door and I wonder ‘are the lights still on, or did they cut the gas off today’? Not to mention the check engine light came on in the car yesterday!

I dive into my bible and try to pray and just talk to God for guidance to understand what is going on. And of course I know He knows what is going on, but there has got to be some kind of lesson here. Right? There is always something Jesus wants to teach me. I can say I have not fretted nearly as much as I would have BC. But still none the less I am worrying, to the point of giving myself headaches, raising sugar and just feeling almost depressed about it.

I am not used to trusting anyone, and even after God has answered so many prayers of mine already I feel almost guilty for not entrusting Him now. I feel like I am standing on the old saying ‘in money we trust’ instead of ‘in God we trust’ and I do not like it one single bit. God is working in my life, I know He is. Proving it every single day no less.

For example, here is one little thing God showed me this month.

My car broke down at Isaac’s school last week and I had it towed to my mechanics shop to have it fixed. After talking with my mechanic we decided it would cost about 125$ to fix the car and pay the tow. I had no money until the following week when I got paid. I had nothing else planned as to how I would pay for it. I basically had a heart to heart with God and told Him that in the bible it says He is my husband and Isaac’s father and since He stepped into those roles I expect Him to handle it. If I were married to an Earthly, Christian man I would expect him to handle it. I told God I was going to bed and let Him sort it out. I did lay down too and within an hour my brother who lives up north and whom I have not seen since I was a baby called me and told me he would send me the money via Western Union to fix my car!

Now, it is blessings like those that I look forward too. The Godly blessings, the ones that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was God stirring the pot up a bit!

I really think it is those blessings that keep me so enthralled in the Christian faith. Because God keeps making himself known to me. And I love Him for it more and more every single day. I know all this will work itself out, but I just wish it would quickly. Once the car is paid off; we will be great! But until then, we might have to go without some things here. Just not sure lights are the right thing to let go since summer is coming and we will need air conditioning!

Kristina

My Testimony Through www.5clicks.com ~ Finally I submitted it to ‘I am Second’ :)

Before I received Christ as my savior, my attitude was negative, I was depressed, full of anger and resentment. Yet I never really knew why. 

My life revolved around being alone, secluded and to myself all the time. I never let people into my life, and certainly not into my little world. 

This disappointed me because I knew I was missing something. I saw that other people were happier than me and I could not understand it. I was struggling with depression, smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day, and even pushing my son further away from me before I received Christ. 

I received Christ at an altar call in church service with Pastor Mangrum; I was very much like a child because I knew I wanted to receive Christ, but not sure if I did it the right way. So, just to make sure I actually did it again with Tish in the chairs after a service one morning a few weeks later! 

I first heard about Christ on my 32nd birthday, thanks to my son. Isaac wanted to take me to church for my birthday present, and I had so many different emotions that day; confusion, awe, curiosity. Because I had never been to church before. 

I struggled mainly with depression and rage right before I received Christ. I had so much confusion from my broken childhood and many collapsed relationships that I just felt useless, almost dead inside. 

When I received Christ, the 2nd time, I was taught how to let go of so much anger. I was taught that God is standing there waiting to take my negative feelings and thoughts away for me and take them as His own, so that I could live happily. Once I did that it was not an immediate fix, but I could feel such a relief come off of me. So that I could focus on my relationship with God and not focus on my negative thoughts. 

After I received Christ I was able to see the light at the end of tunnel. It did not appear as everything was so negative. 

My life has changed so drastically, but I realize I am still a work in progress. I have been delivered from smoking after praying to God to take the urges from me. I have begun to repair my relationship with my son and show him what it is like to have a mother that loves him. I have begun taking better care of myself physically. I am exercising, eating better and dressing like I have self respect; because before I did not. 

I am motivated quite simply put, by God. I know that everything I do is a reflection of who I am, which is a born again Christian and with that in mind I think before I do everything. Because I know people are watching me, and if nothing else I want them to see the greatness that God has done in me. I want to be a walking testimony for His love.

Bo used to be a ‘Murderer’?!

Today has been very productive that is for sure. I went online only to find that the Richardson Animal Shelter was having an adopt-a-thon for their animals today. It actually meant a big day for Bo. They were offering micro-chipping for $15 at the shelter! Usually a $45 process, I jumped on it. We piled into the old PT Cruiser and headed to Richardson.

When we got there it was great. They had booths set up with treats, information, and even hot dogs for the humans No I did not have one before anyone asks. I was not able to be in the actual room when Bo got the micro-chip put in because I was more scared than he was. But he did great they said and he was done in minutes. But what surprised me came next…

I saw the man who adopted Bo to us in October of 2011. He remembered Bo and I was surprised that Bo let him pet his head! That was huge for him, because he is not very social with other people besides me and Isaac. Then when we were leaving we met a man who works there that knew Bo before he came to the shelter. He shed light on Bo and his life before the shelter.

Bo used to live in Nevada, Texas. He told me that Bo is chow and rottweiler mixed, I do not see the rottweiler but okay. Where he was a complete and total outside dog, 24/7. That stunned me when I heard that because he only goes out to potty, go for a walk and relax for a while. Other than that he is inside and shows no interest in staying out either. But what got me was when he told me he was a wild hog chaser! He was trained to chase wild hogs and KILL THEM! He also chased down coyote and an occasional deer he said. That blew me away! I could never imagine my sweet little Bo killing anything! Apparently the owner had 2 dogs; Bo and his brother Cash. He lived in a mobile home and the city took the dogs when he lost his home. They actually ‘towed’ it away from what he told me. Now they use that area as a shooting range.

I cannot imagine what Bo saw, or had to endure in the dark outside all night. It breaks my heart. I am sure he is eating better food, feeling better about himself, and sleeping better at night. What amazes me is that he was house trained when he came to my house. Crate trained to. He has never had an accident in the house, not once. And Isaac can tell him to go to bed and he trots right to his crate and lays down.

So today at the shelter I bought him a new collar. I had always kept his old original collar on him that he was adopted with because I thought it might be a type of security for him. But I realized today he is happy to let the past go. He was not interested in socializing with the man who was telling me all the things that he used to do. He did not even want him to pet him. I think he has some pretty bad memories and is happy to let them go. So taking that old collar off and replacing it with a new one was huge for both of us.

He is no longer an adopted dog, he is our Bo. And we love him.

Explaining the Shots I Take

It is easier to make the video and answer peoples questions, then to answer one by one. If you have questions, please feel free to ask. I will try and explain the best I can.

Not Sure…

where this blog is going to go, but I need a sounding board right now and I find myself tapping at the keys of this laptop like it will really make a difference how hard I hit them. My stress level is at its breaking point and I need to vent. There is nothing wrong with that, God says He wants my stress and insecurities, so He can have them! Because all I have found myself doing all evening is praying and crying. And quite frankly I am done with it. I can say I am done with it, but in actuality I am not done with anything. I am in the middle of this never-ending circle of drama with this stupid diabetes! I could blame God for giving it to me. Seriously?! Not in this day and age I won’t.    I know He will never give me more than I can handle, but really I don’t want anymore.

When I heard that diabetes is a physical disease for me but a mental disease for everyone involved with me, I never understood it until recently. Because I have the medical aspects and the feelings that go along with it, but my friends can only ‘try to see’ what it is doing they can not feel it. So when I say I do not feel well, in their mind I just do not feel well. But in my mind my stomach is churning, I am sweating, I am flushed, feeling like I want to vomit, and so weak I want to just lay down and sleep. But I am afraid to sleep because if it is to high, it might just be the last time. I can not explain to anyone how it feels. I can actually feel my heart pounding so hard in my chest it scares me sometimes.

So when I saw my sugar starting to skyrocket I got scared. And now I am sitting here wondering what the heck I am supposed to do now. I found out that my sugar is so high because I am taking Tylenol or Advil for the pain I am having from working at Petco. I love working there and love training the animals, but going up and down the ladders and bending and reaching into the tanks, it is killing me. I have to take pain medicine every night to sleep through the pain. Well, the medicine is making my sugar spike. And since it has been so high for so long, they want to retest my pancreas to verify whether or not it is shutting down again. If I have to go through this treatment for my pancreas again, I just do not know what I will do. It is pitiful!

I guess I just do not have anything else to really say, I just had to get this off my chest. I am not good at holding things in, so much better at writing them out.

Good night, I am going to go read. I am reading The Christian Atheist and I am hooked to it! Such a good book. I recommend it.

Kristina

Isaac is Skating!

I used to think of Isaac and his hobbies as just, well; hobbies. But I have to admit he is really getting good at skateboarding. I took him to a skating park the other day and he really did some tough things that I could not imagine him doing in the first place. He was in half pipes, doing tricks, and even impressed some of the more experienced skaters there.

I learned quickly to stop being the mother that oohs and aahs at every fall and every scrape that he gets. Because he just gets right back up and keeps going. He is such a trooper and I really think that he enjoys this. He has been skating for years now, but when I really took notice and saw him put forth every bit of effort his body could withstand, I knew he loved it.

I had been an absent parent to my own son mentally and emotionally for so long, I had basically numbed myself to what he enjoyed, because it did not interest me. I do not know what else I missed or blocked out, but for now I am enjoying every moment I have with him.

Love; Kristina

Easter Week 2012

This has been an interesting week to say the least. This week there were 12 tornadoes that hit Texas, in the Lancaster area. The destruction is one thing on the news, and a totally different state of shock when you see it in person. On Saturday we had the pleasure of going to the town with others from our church and help in the cleanup efforts. My heart sunk as we saw trucks and cars upside down, houses torn to shreds, children’s toys thrown all over the lawns and streets. I fought back tears, at one point I felt nauseated, I wanted to scream! But, then you look at the people; none of them are depressed, defeated, or given up. They are cleaning up, and trying to salvage what they can to start over. Not one person I spoke to doubted God’s plan in all of this. They were all amazed through all the destruction, not one life was lost! Not one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am still looking for an out of the house job, I am working from home right now but not making much of anything. And I am pretty sure I will be reading by candle light if the light bill does not get paid by the 14th But I am trusting that God knows what He is doing. He is not going to allow His children to suffer in darkness. I have alot of leads, but nothing so far. I need an out of the home job, just for my own peace of mind and to have the ability to pay my bills. Rent is due in a few weeks. But, I am not talking about bills now, I am not going to fret myself about it.

I just really wanted to touch base in my blog, to let everyone know I am doing well. Isaac is doing well. He has his cast off now and has gotten a clean bill of health now. Not alot of things have changed here, but that I have begun on my book. That is fantastic! I am excited about it in a sense, but nervous about it as well.

Well, I am going to get some rest. I hope you all had a wonderful Easter and Resurrection Day!

October Baby…My Own Mini Review…WoW

This is a movie that just came out yesterday and so today myself and 9 other women from our church went to go see it together. I made it a purpose to not read the reviews on it, not to watch the trailer, and to go in with an open mind. I literally knew nothing about the movie before sitting in that seat in theater 6 at AMC theater. I was thinking it was going t be a fun-filled evening with a bunch of Christ loving, like-minded women…well, I was partially right. I can not help bu think it was far from fun-filled though. Joking, and laughing in the theater; waiting for the movie to start and something stirred inside of me when it went black. I knew my life was going to change. I just knew it.

It starts off making me think that this girl is suicidal, sad, and has bad health issues that can not be explained; then the truth starts coming out from her ‘parents’. She is adopted, which was no big surprise. Until it was said she was adopted because she was an abortion that did not take! What?! I sat there, stiff in my seat. I had to replay what I heard. Her biological mother tried to abort her, it did not work. So she went back to the abortion clinic the next day and wanted to try the abortion again, only to find out she was in labor; in labor 24 weeks. She gave birth, not to one baby, but to two. A boy came first and lived for 4 months then died. Then the girl, Hannah, came and she survived. Both the babies were adopted and loved by a mother and a father. When the boy died, they had a burial for him, but never told her. That was where her emptiness and darkness was coming from. All of this trauma done to her so early, before she was able to fend for herself.

There were so many points in this movie that made me look at myself! Myself as a mother, as a parent, as a friend, and as a woman in general. When Hannah found her biological mother and her mother denied her to her face because she was afraid of what her current husband would think of her, I thought of myself. I have other children that I gave birth to when I was a teenager, I have not seen them since they were babies, three of them as a matter of fact, would I deny them? If they stood in front of me and said that they were my child, would I turn my back or would I embrace them? I do not know for sure. Would I be strong enough to even see them? I am not sure.

When she said she wonders if she should be dead and her brother should be alive, that hit home. I thought of my brother Tony. I found out recently he died in a boating accident and left behind a wife and kids. He was saved and made sure his family was too before he went home to be with the Lord. But, should he not still be here with them and I could take his place? Do I deserve life right now, knowing his kids do not have a dad?

And finally when she left the note for her mother saying that she forgave her. I immediately thought of my mother and the fact that she gave up on me. She threw me to the wolves literally, and watched me drowned. Could I possibly be that strong of a Christian to be able to forgive her? After so many things that I encountered because she was no mother to me. I endured homelessness, multiple rapes, beatings, over 70 foster homes, uncountable amount of schools, 3 pregnancies and 3 babies I never got to know, and a life time of hurt and hatred; because a mother gave up on her child. Could I ever leave her a note telling her I forgive her? Sure, I have said it in my mind, but will I ever be able to say it and mean it?

Col 3:13 reads - Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

But how many of us actually do this? To me this movie was more than a movie, it was a change in my attitude and a huge life lesson. I left the theater not in tears like many, but upset. As I drove closer to home I began praying hard. Harder for my friends that I love so much. Still harder for changes that are hard to accept. And harder yet for myself and allowing myself to get rid of the hatred and the guilt I feel. I did nothing wrong, and for whatever wrong my own mother did 35 years is long enough for holding her accountable and hating her for it. I sat in my car for a few moments in my driveway praying to God for the patience and love and understanding that Hannah must have had to be able to write that note to her mother.

I am ending this blog with such a lighter heart, knowing that in my heart I forgave a woman tonight that I thought I never would. I was convinced I would go to my grave hating the very woman who gave me life. But not anymore.

Thank you and God Bless.

Things I think About Sometimes…

I figure I might as well let it out tonight, because if I keep it in one more minute I might just explode. I am trying so hard to be the best Christian I can be. All I know now in my life I have learned from the church, congregation, and His Word. I have wiped out the last little remnants of who and what I was pre-Christ. Thankfully. I am very thankful for it. But I guess I thought I would be treated better, but I am not. I am still being brushed off, by the people I love the most. And I guess that is why it hurts so much.

I have this blog so that I can vent, so that I have a sounding board. So that is what I have always used it for and what I will continue to use it for.

I have made some drastic changes in our lives and I am having to pay for it every day. I am living with the fact that I can no longer pay my bills because I have no job. I am only writing online and that does not cover everything. I have been learning how to trust in God, and I am. I know I left CITI for the right reasons, what I was having to deal with was unacceptable for anyone. And regardless of what people think of my decision, I know what was going on there. I know what it was like. And I thank God that He gave me enough strength to leave. Because without Him, I would still be there in that situation.

Isaac got his cast off and is doing great now, he is having a bit of pain but hopefully that will go away as he gets strength back in his arm. It is so weak still for him.

I feel more and more alone this week for some reason. It was Spring break and I just feel alone even though I have been so busy. I have redone the entire kitchen and I was surprised when not one person offered to come help me, or even come keep me company. Five days in there working and posting pictures on FaceBook and nothing, not one offer. Made me feel like nothing really. Been a long time since I have felt like that. It made me stop and think about myself for a minute. Double think that maybe I am not with my grade of people. Maybe I live to low for them. I do not have as much as they do. Like I do not deserve their friendship, because I can not afford it.

It really hit me when I asked about a friend of mine and their birthday. Come to find out, they already celebrated it. But without me. Even though they say I am like family to them, I guess not enough to celebrate a birthday with them. It hurts to not have a family to celebrate stuff like that with. They are my biblical family, but is that as strong as a biological family? I am not sure anymore.

I am sitting here in the middle of the night feeling so lonely and I am so tired of it. So sick and tired of it. I want to scream in her face for leaving me! I want to hate her but God will not allow me! I want to make her suffer like I did for so many years, but then God snaps me back into attention! Does she even know how I feel or how I was treated in all of those homes? Does she care? I see pictures of her on FaceBook and she is with my other 2 sisters and they are smiling. How can she smile knowing she threw me to the wolves?! She was the reason I was thrown from abusive home to more abusive home. She was the reason I sat on the floor in that nasty mobile home and popped one pill after another. Hoping I would just fall asleep and never wake up. I was so stupid, all I was taking were aspirin not even real drugs that could really hurt me! That is how stupid I was. But when I think about it now, it just shows how hurt I was. Does someone ever really get over something like that? Does someone ever heal from being thrown away?

I try to put on a good cover, but it is the smallest things like not being invited to a birthday party or being left to do a remodel by yourself that really lets you know that you are indeed still alone.

I have pity partied myself to no end tonight…I need some sleep. I want to go to church tomorrow, I really want to. So I need to get some sleep.

Good Night and God Bless.