I survived! And had a Great Time.

I was so nervous for nothing, this little girl is so precious. She is really sweet. I can see a smartie pants side to her; but she most definitely gets that from her dad. First he took us to Whataburger for breakfast, which I know realize they have nothing there that I can really eat. Everything has beef or pork in it. So I just had an egg and cheese sandwich, hash browns and a coffee. We all had a chance to sit down and talk and get to know each other. She is very shy, but all kids are when they meet strangers for the first time.

I had planned for us to go to this place called Quiggly’s to do some mosaic art. Joe told me she loves arts and crafts stuff and I thought about all the arts and crafts things I do with my girls in class. I figured she would love that. So we all went and picked out an object to do mosaic on. I picked a cross, because I am making a cross wall in my living room. Isaac picked out a martini glass, which I am still trying to figure out why lol…and they did matching cupcakes. When you meet Joe then you will understand why this is so funny to me. He is a big guy, at least 6’2″ ish and big build. So he is sitting at the table next to his daughter decorating a cupcake and just talking as sweet to her…I was laughing inside to myself. Isaac really took to her, and he loved the craft as well. He complained the entire time going there, but then settled in to really enjoy it. But she loved it. She was cutting the glass and decorating her cupcake. She put a ‘B’ on it for her name. I really felt happy that they were able to do this together. And me and Isaac had a great time together laughing and joking too. It was really nice.

Afterwards, we went thrift store shopping. Isaac got a new hoodie and she got a new shirt and a cute little pair of sandals and sunglasses. We went to a new thrift store over here by the house and it was neat, because they had used and brand new things in there. That was different for me.

I am really glad it happened the way it did. Sometimes you can not predict how your life will turn out. But sometimes when you get the unexpected surprises, they are the best ones. I had told myself I would never date a guy with an ex-wife or with children…Now look at me. I am doing both and falling in love with him at the same time. He had me hooked when he told me last night that he thought I was an incredible woman. Once I thought about that for a moment, no one has ever said anything that nice t me. And meant it.

God Bless Your Day Today; Kristina

Being Nervous is Good for You? Really!

Saying that I am nervous is without a doubt not even close to how I feel. I am beyond nervous. I feel like a kid on stage at the spelling bee grand champion competition, and the gold medal is on my shoulders! If I get it wrong, I lose. And there is no redo, I just lose. Second place is not first, and no one remembers the one who got second place any way.

I am meeting Joe’s daughter tomorrow. He trusts me enough to meet her. I know this is one more step to being in a full fledged relationship. Because children are so impressionable, I should know by all those little faces I see every Wednesday night at church. I have been thinking about this for weeks now and I think this is why I was put into that teaching role so many months ago. Before that I had no experience with girls, let alone 3/4/5th grade girls. Now I am meeting his daughter and she is nine. Perfect timing, God. I really think he used those girls to teach me a few things too. And they still are teaching me to this very day.

He treats Isaac and I so well, sometimes I am a little surprised. But I keep telling myself that we deserve it, no matter what, we do. And since he wants to treat us nice, who am I to tell him not to.

He makes me laugh, smile, and take pride in me. I look forward to his texts, and to his calls. Not to mention when he rings the doorbell when he comes over. I have been praying for God to bring a man into our lives that was a strong man, that could lead. Well, he does. And not just that, but Isaac really enjoys being with him and has now even been asking when Joe is coming over again. For Isaac to accept him, or anyone, is a huge step in the right direction. I am welcoming this type of change. Because this will be the best change we have experienced in many, many years.

I will post tomorrow on what happened. Good night and God Bless.

 

Happy “Mother’s” Day ??

Well it is May 12th again…When card and flower sales sky-rocket so every person on the face of the Earth can buy a gift for the one woman who gave them life. Or for the ones who raised them, when the actual birth was not theirs to enjoy. Either way you look at it, this is a pretty two-sided day for most. Far to many of my friends no longer have their mother by their side to love and hug, or to tell them how much they mean to them. For them my heart hurts today. Others no longer speak to their mother due to some stupid, petty argument from years ago that neither side can remember. For them I feel pity today. And for the women that were pressured into an abortion by a non accepting society rule to where their option of being a mother was ripped from their grasp. From them I feel so much sorrow.

But one feeling I do not have today is love for my own biological mother. Wait, now before everyone gasps in disbelief. You are about to learn a little about Kristina that you never did. I keep so much of my history a secret, mainly because of shame. But since I have found the love of God, I have no shame anymore, only a past like everyone else. I do not try to call my mother, send her flowers, gifts, or even a card because she gave up on me. Literally. She signed me away to the foster care system where I was basically tortured until I turned 18 years old and ‘aged out’ of the system. I was treated worse than the animals you see abused and cast over the television screen trying to raise money for the ASPCA. She never cared. When motherhood was ripped away from me not once, twice, but three times while in foster care she never came to my side. I only heard from her about two years ago when I found her on FaceBook of all places. I sent her a message apologizing for whatever it was that I did for her to throw me away. Telling her I forgive her and I still love her. The message I got back was astounding! She tells me that since she gave me up my brother has since died, and she still wants no contact with me. The next day I went to look for her FaceBook page and she had blocked me. Again. So, you see, even as a child she turned her back on me. So, I had all the reason in the world to allow God to find me a replacement.

And He did. He introduced me into a family of Love, Caring, Understanding, and Fellowship like I had never in my life known. He brought me into church by the hand of a 10 year  old boy, Isaac. I met many people there, but only one I was so lucky to have fallen in love with as a child would a mother. I love her children as my siblings, and her grandchildren as my nieces and nephews. It may sound silly, but I would do anything for this family, that opened their arms to me and accepted me and my son with all of our flaws. They love us unconditionally and that is what family is all about. She helps snap me back into reality when I begin to drift, she helps me pray when I just do not have the strength, she makes time to listen to me even when all I want to do is rant. That is what a mom does.

I thank God daily for Tish Hughes and her loving family. And to her I say Happy Mother’s Day!

Daily Press :)

I figured since I had so much time left over this evening I would write a little something. I have so much that could be said, but I will be polite and respectful to my readers. By the way, I can not believe I have over 1,500 readers! My last blog had 720 something views! That just simply amazes me.

So for today, what happened? Not a whole heck of allot. I woke up late, so I missed the gym. Woke Isaac up and we got ready for school and work. Texted Joe first thing this morning to see what kind of day he had…this has been an ongoing question. I swear on everything I love I will see to it that just one day he will tell me he had a good night. He works midnight shift and apparently it sucks…I just want him to know not everything sucks and that there is at least one person on his side. Me! This morning as a matter of fact he said he ALMOST had a good night. That is more than before, so I will take it! He is so cute to me. Making me laugh and the best part is that he is attentive, but not overpowering, like possessive. I am excited to see where this might take us. If his roommates would shape up, it might take some stress off of him. But that is another story I will not dive into right now.

Isaac gave me the paper for his reading STAAR assessment that he took the last week. He did phenomenal. I do not know where he gets his uncanny intelligence from. But this kid is awesome. His total score was 1842 out of 2186. Which places him in the Advanced Academic Performance level. He missed 5 questions out of 52. I had a talk with him today letting him know how proud of him I am. I do not think he knows that all the time, but he should. I need to make a point of letting him know I have faith in him. Today he took the math, which is what he is really worried about. So, we shall see.

After I redid my website last night I got a few new job offers. that kind of news is always good news. I took 2 and thinking about another. I am not too sure about that one though. I love that my writing is taking off more these days. Even though it might seem little to some people, to me it makes me happy. And quite frankly, I am who matters here.

Well, it is time to go to bed. I have to go to the gym in the morning…Can not miss two days in a row!

Kristina http://kristinawrites.weebly.com/

Let me Catch Up…

It has been a very long month and alot can happen in that short of a period of time. First of all I can proudly say I have finally kissed Carlos and his ugliness away. I never knew one person could harbor so many lies inside of them. He must have hurt himself holding on to that much baggage. I understand everyone has sins and everyone has baggage but some I can not overlook. Judge me is you want, but when I see my ex’s face on the Internet for a crime I did not know about, there is a problem. So, needless to say I can and have told him to no longer call me, for anything. And I am so glad I did. I feel so much better.

Life with Isaac has been pretty scary here lately. He sees his doctor again this month so that will be good. Bi-polar is an ugly disease. I often wonder sometimes what is going on in his head when he gets so angry. I could never imagine it. But, I guess I should be thankful he does not truly lash out at anyone but me. That way I know that no one else will get hurt. This past week was especially bad. He was so angry and ready to fight I was probably about 2 minutes away from calling 911. Thankfully I was able to get him to calm down before that.  This disease gets more and more aggressive the older he gets. It is scary sometimes. If you know of anyone that may show signs, please get them help.

I have met a new friend and we have such a great time together. He actually listens when I talk, makes me smile and laugh, and him and Isaac get along really well. We all sat around yesterday just laughing and joking with each other. He works midnight shift so he came over for breakfast. Then we all went to the electronics store and he helped me pick out a new TV that we drastically needed. I did not know what to look for and he helped me. I do not want to rush anything or make him rush anything. I really think this could go somewhere, but heck I also though the same thing about Carlos and look where that ended. But I can honestly say the two are Nothing alike. I am excited to see what transpires here. I know one thing, I am relaxed around him. And relaxation is something I missed so much.

I revamped my website for my writing. If you want to check it out here is the link http://kristinawrites.weebly.com/ It is not much, but just a little something to send to clients or potential clients rather.

I am going to go rest for a while. We have Home Groups with our church tonight and we are all meeting at a park. So, I might very well need a pre-Home Group nap

 

My Facade…

I am a 36 year old single mom of a teenage son. That is the label I have in life. Somewhere along the line I lost my name and became ‘Isaac’s Mom’. Which is a position in life that I love, but it often makes me think, where did I get lost in the transition? When did I lose me? When did I stop striving to be the nice, comforting, rescuer of my friends that I want to be so badly? There are several things I need to reevaluate in my own life, questions I need to get answered. I have been lost for so long, and I have noticed a severe case of depression overcoming me lately, and that scares me. Scares me so bad, sometimes I am afraid to even be around other people. Because I do not want other people to know what is going on in my head.

I try to put on this facade that everything is okay, but on the inside I feel like everything is so hopeless and I have no other option but to give up. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and just sleep my days and nights away. I have tried to dive into the bible, dive into God’s Word for His help. But, I still feel this emptiness that takes me over. There are people who tell me that there is nothing in my life that Jesus has not experienced and been hurt through. I just find that so hard to understand, Because of some of the things that have happened lately, I do not know of anything in the bible that covers the pain I am feeling. I know He experienced a broken heart, pain, torture, and all of this while He was being crucified for me. That is what makes it even worse for me to feel the way that I do. Because I feel like I have no right to feel depressed, Jesus died for Me! Seriously. How dare I feel sad!

I want nothing more than to be happy. But it seems like it is so far away and not sure if it will ever happen. I have never really been in love before. I have never been on a date, I have never felt the butterflies in my stomach when a man I love surprises me. I have never heard the words I Love You from a man who I actually knew that they were sincere. I am so lonely, it physically hurts my body and heart. But for now, I wait until God brings me the man that will lead me.

Do You Really Exist?

The title can be addressed to anyone, or anything for that matter. Last night I took Isaac over to my mom’s house so I could sort of have a ‘come to Jesus’ party, with me being the only invited participant. I needed to get my life in perspective, which you might think would be a difficult thing to do. But, not so much when your life does not involve a lot in the first place. Having the private time to myself I found out some very disturbing things about myself. I have not changed so much, not as much as I had originally thought. I am a fool to think I have changed so drastically just because I am a Christian. And furthermore, I hate to say it, but I say that loosely. I daydream about being in a relationship, I overindulged, I cuss from time to time, and last night I realized that there are so many things I am doing that do not glorify God I am surprised He is still being so patient with me. I would not hold Him accountable if I were one of those people sucked into a sink hole with no notice at all.  Watch the news if you do not understand that comparison.

Here is what I have to say; like me or love me. But here goes.

I want to wake up and you be the first thought on my mind, I want to go to bed and you are the last. I want to feel safe in your arms knowing that they will never hurt me. I never want tears to fall when you leave, because I know without a shadow of a doubt, you will be thinking about me while you are away. Or better yet, when you realize I am upset, you do not leave me. You simply hug me, kiss my forehead and stay. And truly, you are never gone from me. I want to be able to close my eyes and feel your lips on my cheek. If you get called away for some reason I want to know without a doubt that you love me, because your love never fades. Love me unconditionally. If it is storming I want to call your name at two in the morning and you come to me to make me feel safe. I want my son to look up to as not just a role model, but a leader. A father, his father. A lover, my lover. A provider, our provider. A husband, my husband. I want to be happy. I want to have a smile on my face whenever your image comes into my mind. A smile that only you and I know what it means, because no one else matters. I want to feel secure. If a dilemma comes up, wait; when a dilemma comes up, I want you to take control. Because that is what you promised me. You made that promise and I am taking you up on it. You may have made it to others as well, but I am taking you up on it. People tell me not to challenge you, but if I don’t then how do I know you exist? If I do not ask you prove yourself to me then how can you ask me to do anything for you? I think it is only fair in the long run. Sort of like tit for tat. I know you have a sense of humor, otherwise there would be so many things that would never make sense in this world. I need to laugh, you make me laugh. I need to smile, you make me smile. Even though I hate to cry, you make me cry. But the tears you make me cry, make me stronger. I can cry just fine in private. And once I do, I do feel a million times better. But the emptiness is still there.

I need the emptiness to go away. Will I ever be okay with where I am now, or am I short-changing myself, on purpose. I want to be happy, and as soon as I thought I was…it is gone. What can I do now? Suffer through it and hope and pray things change? What if they never do. Do I slap on a smile, every morning for the rest of my life? I am not sure if I can do that.

So distressed right now.